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TL;DR (Too Long; Didn't Read)
Think about what you would like more of at the end of our life, and what will not matter.
I’m willing to bet you will want more time, more health, and rich memories with family and friends.
In other words, if we work backwards from the end of our life, what should we be doing more of today to feed into that value system?
Start thinking about how you can begin to live in alignment with your most treasured values now, and why the likes on social, keeping up with the Jones’, and the never ending debt just aren’t where it is at.
The wisdom, and even grief, many of us experience in perimenopause can be a window to redirect our thinking, actions, and values to align more fully with who we are.
WHY
I have been in the process of writing my will and last testament and I’ve had to correct my thinking and writing with my lawyers from “If I die…” to “When I die.”
Somehow the certainty of this reality has not hit me before, even though I have mused over and adhered to the idea of Memento Mori.
For those of you not familiar with the saying: Memento Mori literally translates to “Remember to Die.” While this might not literally make it to our to-do list, it is a reminder that we have a limited amount of time, and we should regularly evaluate what it is we want to be focusing on.
For me, there seems to be a number of little deaths happening in my life all the time. One example is my children needing less and less of me, and as they begin to become more independent, my role of motherhood changes–the old ways dying to make room for the new.
And I have to be honest, the permanence of change really just chaps my ass, you know?
Mostly because I have spent a large part of my life calculating outcomes, controlling the variables so that I would never be surprised…(yes, I know I am a work in progress and this is a hard engrained trauma response).
But the intellectual knowing and ability to predict the changes still does not lessen the blow of the changes when they happen.
WHAT
I have had the pleasure of observing my children in basically a decade+ long state of anabolism and growth. It’s a constant reminder of my own mortality and now in my mid 40s, a reminder of the affinity my physiology has for catabolism.
This was cemented for me as I was recently at a funeral.
Other than the immediate family, most people at the funeral made small talk–about the weather, about old classmates they haven’t seen, about their upcoming weekend plans.
That is what is likely going to happen at my funeral. And most likely, at yours, too.
A few will feel the exquisite loss of your physical presence, while the vast majority who attend will snack on some crudites, talking about their weekend plans, completely uncomfortable with the idea of death. They will make small talk with each other for an hour or so, before heading back to their own lives, to-do lists, and worries.
This funeral was a stark reminder that most people are concerned with the intricacies of their own lives and not mine. Most people I know will chat in and around my casket for about an hour and then rush to get back to their lives.
And yet here we are, worried about what “everyone” will think of us if we _______ [speak our mind / start the business / sell the house / wear the bikini / age / start hormone therapy / lose the weight / disagree with the status quo / do what is right for us].
Maybe thinking about death is one of the blessings of perimenopause and, if I’m lucky, menopause. It provides me with an opportunity to reflect on the goals and focus of my life that matter. Because time is promised to no one.
When I go on holiday. I’m wearing the bikini I want. (To further cement this idea that no one is really watching you as closely as you think, can you recall even ONE time at the beach where you remember someone else's body?! I certainly cannot.)
When I think about my work, I’m only investing time and energy in projects that are incredibly meaningful to me. No more busy work.
When my kids are around, I’m playing basketball with them (even though I completely suck at it) and we’re going to pickleball together.
HOW
Ask yourself this question:
- What am I going to want more of at the end of my life?
I’m willing to bet most of your answers are going to be along the vein of I want more rich memories with people I love and whom I regard in great esteem.
I’m also willing to bet the answers are not going to include things like: a bigger square footage in my house, more dresses, another decorative item for my bookcase, more likes on social media, or more debt from my mortgage
(Fun fact: mortgage comes from old French: mort meaning “death” and gage meaning “pledge.” It literally translates to death pledge, or a contract your are indebted to for life.)
If what you want more of is richness of experience, memories with family and friends, and to live according to your values, it would then necessitate acting in accordance with those values now, rather than later.
In other words, if we work backwards from the end of our life, what should we be doing more of today to feed into that value system?
Another question to ponder then, is:
- What am I currently tolerating in my life that does NOT feed into what I want out of my life?
Admittedly, whenever I do this exercise I uncover what was hiding in plain sight: all the things I should not be doing or dealing with that I subject myself to over and over again.
NOW
1. Take a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle of it.
2. Answer the question in the HOW section above with your answers in the right hand side of the page
3. Now on the left hand side of the page, write at the top: What am I currently tolerating? And put your answers underneath it on the left side of the page.
4. Look at both sides of the page and figure out what you can start doing more of, and what you can delete, delegate or dismiss all together because it does not serve your values.
Even though this is late Week 4 / about to get my period Stephanie, I don’t think I’m off here in my thinking. This exercise has been particularly freeing for me to follow what is important to ME, not what other people expect of me.
Question of the Week
Q: How can I reframe the narrative of stress as a negative?
The narrative of stress as a negative is one that we need to reframe, because a stressor is designed to test you and make you stronger.
It is only when the stress perseverates beyond the finite matter of the individual's capacity to deal with it that we begin to break down.
- Exercise (as you know) –a stress.
- Cold plunge–a stress
- Heat–a stress
- Caloric restriction–a stress
In their extremes they become pathological and deadly, but at a lower dosage and frequency, they turn you into a lean, strong and (mostly) recovered queen.
Think about stress as your teacher. A teacher who loves you and wants you to be the best version of yourself. In order for this to happen, stress must give you a series of tests to sharpen your skills, forge your determination, and perfect your execution.
Stress does this so that at the end of your life you can reflect with pride in how you rose to the occasion and did your very best with the tools you had available.
Life is not meant for you to coast. Think about a car: If you put it in neutral, the only way it will coast is downhill.
You are meant to press the gas and press the brakes throughout your life in order to propel you forward. Embrace the stress, know it will be ever present in your life with the understanding it makes you better with it than without it.
YOUR TURN!
I’ll be answering your questions every week right here in the Mini Pause! Let me know what’s on your mind. I’ll be checking for both questions and feedback at support@drstephanieestima.com.
What I Recommend
Timeline Skin Health
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Learn more about how Timeline's Skin Health products can help you manage perimenopausal and menopausal skin changes in this article.
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P.S.
THE BETTER! PODCAST TURNS 5
In September 2019, I launched the “BETTER! with Dr. Stephanie Estima” podcast. Five years later, it's grown to more than 5.6 million downloads across nearly 400 episodes.
Every week I'm in my element (being my nerdy self) while interviewing industry experts and bringing you science-based education that you can use in your daily life. I've really dialed in the Meals, Muscle, Mindset, and (Peri) Menopause topics over the years, and you've responded with loyal listenership.
As a deeply heartfelt THANK YOU to all my listeners in the Bettyverse, I'll be featuring 5-year anniversary giveaways all month!
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