Changing Your Life Perspective Starts with Questions about Happiness, Decisions, Lessons & Regrets

TL;DR (Too Long; Didn't Read)

• Happiness is not the absence of problems, it is the ability to deal with them.
• Feeling sad after making a decision doesn't mean it was the wrong decision.
• The lesson you struggle with will repeat itself until you learn from it.
• Never regret a day in your life. Good days give happiness, bad days give experience, the worst day gives lessons, and the best days give memories.

WHY

I’ve been thinking deeply about what really matters to me as of late. If you’ve been following me on Instagram, you’ll know I’ve just come back from Italy, and I had a few revelations while I was there that I would like to share with you.

This was my first vacation in over five years (thanks pandemic), and I find the physical distance traveling creates allows me to think about my day-to-day and if it’s in alignment with what I actually want.

Travel always blesses me with the wisdom that has eluded me. Mostly because I am forced to slow down, walk more, get more sunshine and sleep. I am not in front of my computer with “busy work.” I’m in nature, letting my mind wander.

Here are the following concepts I’ve been talking about lately with friends and family, and I’d like to share them with you, too.

WHAT

• Happiness is not the absence of problems, it is the ability to deal with them.

Even though I intellectually understand this, it still does not mean I enjoy it when I’m sad. Sadness seems to slow down my thinking, and even my physical body. A true “depression” of function so to speak.

The physical aspects aside, I do think one of things that brings me great joy is the ability to be cognitively flexible with problem solving. While my initial reaction might be to remove the intruding problem as quickly and painlessly as possible, sometimes an elongation of pain and discomfort is required to solve the problem properly and correctly.

And when I do feel I have arrived at the correct way through the issue – even though it might be incredibly uncomfortable – I take great pride that I am doing this in accordance with my values and integrity.

• Feeling sad after making a decision doesn't mean it was the wrong decision.

This one has been particularly helpful to me in so many aspects of my life! From deciding to close my clinic, going through a divorce, and removing family members from constant contact with me, I have experienced immense sadness and grief from all these events. I questioned myself and my decisions.

“Was it really that bad, Stephanie? Are you overreacting?”

This was a common intrusive thought that replayed itself hundreds of times in my head while going through all of these events. And if I’m being truthful (we’re friends, right?) for years afterward.

But acknowledging the sadness after the decision makes sense to me. Two truths can be held at the same time: I can make a decision more aligned with my future and be sad about a chapter of my life ending. This was one of the most freeing realizations. It is not that the decision was wrong, but that I was grieving the loss of the consequence of that decision.

• The lesson you struggle with will repeat itself until you learn from it.

You'll date the same guy, attract the same friends, be treated the same way by coworkers, and repeat the same family dynamics over and over again until you can recognise the patterns in your thinking and behavior.

And to be fully transparent – I have done all of these wrong at some point or another.

Parenting for me has been a great example of how we fall back on the level of training when push comes to shove. Your kids are mirrors and opportunities to see your own shortcomings like nothing else!

For me, even though it is hard to admit it, my default was to yell. That was how it was in my childhood home, and even though I SWORE I would never do that, I would catch myself yelling at my boys when I was frustrated and had been pushed over my edge.

I’m not proud of it. But it is what it is.

I kept yelling until I realized it almost always achieves nothing of what you want, and almost certainly destroys what you need. If you’re yelling, it is often a bid for connection, or a reaction to something that scares you.

• Never regret a day in your life. Good days give happiness, bad days give experience, the worst days give lessons, and the best days give memories.

Even though we have all made mistakes, such is the musical ballad of life. With the sadness and lows, you will also have joyous highs. In fact, one might argue that you cannot fully experience the rapture of the joyous moments without the contrast of the lows.

Spring is not as delightful if it wasn't immediately preceded by winter. The audacious bloom and glory of summer cannot be appreciated with the trepidation of spring. The suggestion of slowness and coziness would not be so inviting if not for the expansion and extroversion of summer. And the sharp crispness of winter cannot be fully appreciated without the messiness of fall leaves.

Love and grief move together in opposition, just like happiness and sadness, dreams and memories.

We will have good and bad days. Best days and worst days. They all matter and they all need to be experienced.

HOW

I invite you to reflect on some of the concepts I’ve shared here. Maybe one really resonates, maybe more than one. Think about how you want to be showing up in your life, and how this compares with how you are actually showing up.

• Is there congruence and alignment? Is there room for improvement?
• If there is room for improvement, how exactly?
• Could you journal about this? Use specific examples of where you would have liked to respond better?

NOW

Repetition is often the key to lasting change. Write one of these sentences down where you will see it every day. Maybe a sticky note by your computer, a note on your phone, or an automated email you send to yourself every morning.

Being exposed to the concept over and over is the key to the softening, and letting the message in.

Insights from the Bettyverse

This week, I took your questions on Instagram so I could share some of your feedback here. I appreciate how so many of you have taken the time to write in. It means the world to me that you’re finding value in my teaching.

• I'm loving the Saturday ‘Mini Pause' emails. I'm recently in menopause and being a nutritionist and a strength coach, and 53, I'm loving everything. And I love reading the newest on the menopause front. I have many clients in the peri-period, so I love reading new information to pass on to them as well. Thank you! ~Josephine
• I just wanted to send my appreciation for these newsletters. They are informative and relevant and I have forwarded them to a number of my peri and meno friends, family and clients. Thank you so much! ~Natasha
• I would first like to tell you how much I enjoy your podcast for the usefulness and relevant information and your personal opinions and advice. I have been a caregiver now for family members for about 10 years. I am now perimenopausal. I have started down a path of self care that has led me into looking for alternative ways to deal with my health issues. I enjoy your content and opinions and your empathy and honesty. I find the metabolic, inflammation, diet, exercise, energy production and menopause advice episodes you already provide are perfect, so please continue on those topics. ~Grace
• I'm and have been a big fan of yours. Thank you for the wealth of knowledge and info shared with us all this time that has helped me make adjustments to my personal care routine. ~Virginia

YOUR TURN!

I’ll be answering your questions every week right here in the Mini Pause! Let me know what’s on your mind. I’ll be checking for both questions and feedback at support@drstephanieestima.com.

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P.S.

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