TL; DR (Too Long; Didn't Read)

Understanding your underlying core beliefs about people, relationships, and how things should be can be challenging (how can you read the label of the jar you’re in?), but in this issue, if you don’t have a straight-to-the-point friend willing to call you out on your BS, there is a series of questions you can ask yourself to get to the root of your frustration, and more importantly, what to do about it.

The series of questions are:

• What am I feeling?
• Why am I feeling it?
• And what am I going to do about it?

Spoiler: this will create more peace and tranquility in your life. Balanced hormones, here we come!

WHY

Recently, my friend called me out on a block and persistent irritation I was having with a mutual friend of ours.

Friend: “You know what your problem is, Steph?”

Me: “What?”

Friend: “I’m telling it to you straight because I know you can handle it. You’re holding onto a childish hope that they are going to behave and show up differently. You’ve been holding onto that since you were 18 years old, hoping [our mutual friend] is going to recognize and respond to it, even though they are 47, and looking at you like you are 47.”

Me: “F*ck. I hated hearing that. But you’re totally right.”

My friend was right. I was distorting reality, hoping, ever so childishly, that someone would just read my mind and cater to my wishes. This got me thinking: What other labels am I unable to read because I am in the jar?

I will turn this question to you:

In what ways are you showing up–in your marriage, in your family dynamics, as a friend, as a mother–HOPING someone will come in, read the room (and your psyche), and do exactly what you want them to?

WHAT

Relationships can be complicated. With a capital C.

You can get along with someone in some ways so perfectly, so harmoniously, that it can be baffling that this does not extend to all the verticals of your intertwined lives.

Let’s use the example of a partner here:

Intellect and humor? Check.

Physical chemistry? Check check.

But when it comes to other dimensions of your shared life, like finances, parenting philosophy, or even something more nuanced like speaking up for yourself in front of family members, things might begin to fall apart. The strong synergy that exists in these areas of your connection no longer seems to hold up.

Now, it’s time for the reality check. There will be some ways that you click together seamlessly, and other areas where you have to accept the reality of the situation.

Accepting the reality of the situation means no longer holding out a false hope that things will be different; instead, you accept things the way they are. This doesn’t mean giving up on working toward that ideal future, but it does mean accepting life exactly as it is, right now.

In a way, this is a complete relief. It is a release of what never was, a release of what you artificially constructed in your mind. It is a conservation of energy, focus, emotions, and time. Instead of ruminating on why things are not the way they “should” be, you can just see it for what is–with no emotional charge attached. It is a neutral acceptance of what is.

If you were in a job that was overwhelming in some capacity (maybe the energy of the company, the dynamics of the coworkers, the expectations of hours that you are unable to give, or even skill sets that you don’t possess)–wouldn’t it be a relief if you were either let go or decided to leave?

You are no longer beholden to expectations that you can never meet. Instead of spending energy trying to manage your frustration and overwhelm, you are free. While the conversations involved in coming to that realization might be uncomfortable, it is better for both you and your boss to discuss it in the open.

The same applies if you are a parent, a wife, a daughter, or a friend.

The hardest part about this is realizing that there is a mismatch.

It's my hope you have someone who can help you shed light on it, the way I benefited from it. And if you don’t, here is a formula for you to figure it out yourself.

HOW

Think about the areas in your life where friction exists. In your marriage, in your relationship with your kids, your parents, or your coworkers.

• What is it exactly that is bothering you about it? Name the feelings.

There can be several feelings. Keep going until you feel you have gotten to a core feeling. For example, anger often comes from a fear response. And fears are usually a clue to your core desires (or else why would you be fearful of them not coming true?).

Then, ask yourself why you are feeling that way.

• Why are you experiencing these intense emotions?
• What is the feeling behind the emotion?

And finally, and perhaps most importantly, what are you going to do about it?

• Are you going to continue to hold out hope for a non-existent reality?
• Or are you going to accept what is, right now?

I should say, for clarity, this does not mean you cannot work toward your ideal scenario, but the reality is that it doesn't exist right now. So being upset that it isn’t here is a colossal waste of your time, energy, and focus.

NOW

• Identify where the friction in your life exists.
• Identify what your feelings are around the friction or relationship.
• Identify why you are feeling the way you do (as a clue to your most strongly held beliefs).
• Identify what you are going to do about it.

This is the way to peace. We cannot continue to ruminate on what “could have been” “should have been” or “would have been.” It is another way we should all over ourselves.

Let that sh*t go. Release the emotional expectations and here you will begin to find your peace (not to mention balance your hormones, sleep better, have more energy for the gym, and cultivate joy in your life).

What I Recommend

Managing Your Metabolic Health

While there are devices available to track all kinds of body processes, I want to talk to you about your metabolic health.

I get a lot of questions from my Bettys about how to control or change metabolism. You already know that your nutrition, workouts, sleep, stress, and other lifestyle factors have a big effect, but you often don’t know the how or why.

That’s why I’m loving the Lumen, a non-invasive handheld device and app combination.

• The device analyzes your breath to determine how your metabolism is functioning and gives you immediate feedback on whether your body is using carbs or fats for fuel.
• The app shows you in real time how your day-to-day actions (the meals you eat, your daily movement, your stress levels, and more) impact your metabolism.

Take carbs for example. No, they’re NOT the enemy, they’re essential to your body. Mitochondria, your cells’ powerhouses, use carbs as a primary energy source, influencing everything from cellular function to your metabolism. Ideally, you want to get to metabolic flexibility–the ability of your mitochondria to shift between carb and fat burn easily. Carb cycling, alternating between low-carb and high-carb days, is a way to do this.

With Lumen’s insights into what’s happening in your body, you’ll get personalized tips to help you align your daily activities with your dietary, fitness, and lifestyle goals.

And if you’re intermittent fasting, Lumen can help track your body’s ability to switch between carbs and fats during fasting periods. Learn how in this article.

Check out the Lumen metabolic breathalyzer at LUMEN.ME and use code ESTIMA to get 20% off.

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