You’re Not Stressed Because You’re Doing Too Much. You’re Stressed Because You’re Doing Too Little.
TL;DR (Too Long; Didn't Read)
You’re not stressed because you’re doing too much – you’re stressed because you’re doing too little of what brings you joy.
WHY
I’ve written extensively about stress and its effects on the body (for a deep dive check out my book, The Betty Body). In particular, bringing to your awareness the difference between good stressors (typically acute, like exercise and temperature changes) and bad stressors (typically chronic, like being in an unfulfilling or toxic relationship or being at a job that does nothing more than pay the bills).
But I’ve been thinking about stress and our relationship to it while on vacation in Italy this summer, and I have another thought to layer on for your consideration. Bad stressors are unavoidable – to think otherwise is naive. We might always have a tense or maladaptive relationship with someone, or we simply might need the crappy job to pay the bills because there is no other option for us at the moment.
The catalyst for the maladaptations, however, might not be the presence of the bad stressor itself, but the lack of opposing forces that bring you joy. Something I like to call offensive joy.
WHAT
So what do I mean when I say offensive joy?
“Offensive” might conjure up being rude or in your face, but there’s another meaning. Playing offense in sports means moving forward and trying to get some sort of ball into some sort of net. Offensive joy is the time you proactively carve out of your day for joy.
- Being on the offensive = moving forward.
- Offensive joy = proactive joy.
What I have observed the Italians do extraordinarily well (and especially Italian women), is they take time to prioritize themselves. They are wildly protective of their joy. They take time to do things that please them: they dress up, savor their morning cappuccino, and walk, bike, or take a Vespa to wherever they are going. They do not rush or penalize themselves for being late. They are important enough to wait for and there is always more time.
It’s a stark contrast to the way I often view my time in North America – fleeting. I’m always in a rush to get the kids to sports practice, hair in a bun, in my workout clothes.
I have always, through language at least, felt connected to both French and Italian culture, and I want to embody more of this offensive joy into my everyday life.
HOW
This is the fun part! Dream away, Betty.
Make a list of some of the small moments of the day you enjoy, or the things you are attracted to and would like to do more of. Here is a short sampling off my personal list to inspire yours:
- Make a wonderful morning cappuccino and slowly savor its taste.
- Take a mid-afternoon walk after lunch to get some fresh air and help with digestion.
- Take a book from my TBR pile and allow 10 minutes to read on my favorite couch.
- Sign up for the weekly salsa class I have been wanting to take, but somehow I always come up with an excuse as to why this term won't work.
- Tend to my herb and tomato garden.
- Go for a walk with my family after dinner.
- Put some lavender essential oils in the bedroom.
- Take time in the evening to anoint my skin with oils.
- Buy a bouquet of flowers for my kitchen or bedroom that I can enjoy.
- Attend a weekly yoga class (even though it is at an inconvenient time).
- Do pilates weekly.
- Oil my hair once a week.
- Commit to 15 minutes of both French & Italian language learning daily (apps, music, online magazines)
NOW
- Bullet point a list of your desires and daily joys.
- Choose one or two to commit to for this week.
- Reflect on how this may have balanced out your total stress levels this week. Do you notice anything? Are you finding yourself looking forward to your little moments of joy?
Question of the Week
Q: How do you stretch the time to manage to get so much done in the day?
This question came in from cristinacalcai via IG, and it made me reflect on how I structure my day.
I think, at least for me, this comes down to rhythm and cadence. As unsexy as it sounds, I do a lot of the same things every day. I plan my food on Sundays; I work out at almost the same time every day during the week; I eat at the same times; and I take calls at the same times, etc.
In that structure, however, I find freedom and time.
When I get the “have to’s” completed, I can then move on to the “get to’s.”
YOUR TURN!
I’ll be answering your questions every week right here in the Mini Pause! Let me know what’s on your mind. I’ll be checking for both questions and feedback at support@drstephanieestima.com.
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